Some suggested that there was no room. But even that night, in between the therapy session and the serious discussion, there was chatter about what his friends said that day that was funny. As we waited for the waiter to bring more chips and salsa, I learned about the new kid that is hanging out with the old crowd and how he's a really good athlete. I heard about who is getting buff, and what his girlfriend did the other day. So, I know there is part of him that just wants me to know and love him. There is absolutely part of me that wants the same.
Even up to the day he left, I knew what the signal was. He never said, "Mom, I need to talk." He didn't make an announcement at the dinner table, or come in the door and ask if I had some time.
I suppose the way he handled it might have been left over from when I used to make time for him every night; I sang him to sleep for years. I used to sing "Amazing Grace" and almost gave up and moved on to another song because I thought he wasn't listening. He never sang it with me, or on his own during the day. But one eight year old night when I was about to start singing, he asked, "Mom, what's a 'branch like me?'" He had confused the lyrics "wretch like me!" He was listening!
What he did the last couple of years was wait until I was ready to go to bed and then come and lay on top of my covers with me, and just start talking. Sometimes he would lay on his tummy and pull up his shirt a little, too, meaning I should rub his back while he talked. My 5'11" little boy. Mostly I just listened. Sometimes I shared some insight. Always I was there. And so was he.
I will miss that indefinitely.
You're gonna be just fine, honey. I promise. We all go through it. Stratton used to come do the same with me, Justin still does, every night. Justin comes and lays on the bed & we have some really deep discussions on a daily basis. Life, love, the daily grind. 3 or 4 years ago this kid would have rather poked his own eyes out than talk to me. Stratton isn't there yet, but hopefully one day he will be.
ReplyDeleteOf course he still wants you in his life & wants to let you know what's going on with him. You're his mom, no matter what & I know he appreciates you & the structure you've given him, even though right now it may not seem like it. They do listen, even when we think they arent. Sometimes they make mistakes, just like we do & crow doesn't taste good! It's hard to open up to your parents at this age. Not only that, but talking to "mom" about some things just isn't "cool", but one day they might be. Some of the things my boys tell me about I want to pretend I never heard! LOL
It will get better, sweety & things will become clearer the more time passes. With all we've been through, my boys will all tell you they're mama's boys & my oldest claims me as his best friend. It took time & a lot of tears, tough love & patience to get to that point, but I'm a cement figure in their lives & they wouldn't have it any other way. Like you, always there.
I'm absolutely sure he misses you and your time together, even if he doesn't say so for a little while. It seems like he has to figure things out and then come around in his own time. Hang in there (just like those cat posters from the '80s).
ReplyDeleteThose are fabulous memories! I am sure he has the same ones too! Growing up is a hard thing, for child and parent alike! At least we have friends we can discuss these things with!
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