Monday, May 3, 2010

Turning 40

I am sorry to have neglected this blog. I do have so much to say!

April 23rd was my 40th birthday. My son - thanks to my darling boyfriend - texted me to ask what I wanted to do, We made plans. I was excited! He also asked me for advice about his girlfriend- something he hasn't don in months. I began to get suspicious, and then felt guilty about that.

The phone calls from school continued to roll in, one about every other day, regarding his absences. I am in touch with the school and truancy officer, and he keeps accruing these debts.

And then the text came. "So, hey, Mom, do you have the title to my car?" This would be the very same vehicle that his dad's family gave him, that he drove in and got a very high mph speeding ticket in, that I took away along with his license, that he and his dad's family go back through lies and manipulations. He "just wants the title so he can pay off" his grandfather for the car. Luckily, my lovely boyfriend says to me, "You know I manipulated to get my car title when I was his age. I did get it, I sold my car, and I bought a motorcycle."

My son is a self-professed adrenaline junkie. A motorcycle could very easily spell fatality. Or really any choice that he makes which he will do without me, should I hand him that title. The vehicle he has (and the fact that he has it) is bad enough.

I told him that he could not have the title to his car, that I would not knowingly hand him something that I believed would be harmful to him. I also told him he could have the title when he brought me the emancipation papers (still nowhere to be seen).
Either that or he could have it when he turned 18.

He let me know that he would fight me on that, and that is pretty much a direct quote.

So, in an unprecedented move, I uninvited him from the birthday get-together. I wanted to enjoy my birthday and not fight or have tension like that.

I cried. Really, sobbed and thought I would die, is more like it. And then I had a great time!

We did text each other and say that we loved each other more than once since then. So, we are in touch.

On a slightly different note, I still get concerned about confessing too much of someone else's business and not saying enough about myself, so let me try to even it up a bit here. This is not to say that my son did not do these same kinds of things, but here I am going to stick to me. I am the mom who wielded a hammer to knock the doorknob off of my son's bedroom door when he refused to let me in. I have cussed at my son many times. Once I slapped him. I wanted him to never have to go through the kinds of things he is going through now and I have felt embarrassed by him. All of these things are faults.

The truth, as I am realizing and accepting it, is that I did the very best I could and that is was actually not half bad. Most of all, I loved and love him. I also continued to grow and improve. The truth also is that my son is a beautiful child of God who I would raise all over again, even knowing these things. He is amazing. There is nothing either of us have to be ashamed of.