Today I asked a question and thought I was ready to hear the answer. I asked a very wise person who knows and loves me and that I trust what she thought I might have done wrong in my parenting my son.
She calmly and gently let me know that she felt that I had leaned on him too much, treated him too much like an adult and a partner at times. she also felt that this had contributed some to his belief that he could be out there on his own now since he was already treated as if he were older than he was.
This realization feels as if a hole was blown through my heart.
I knew I wasn't perfect. But to actually hear what I did was almost crushing.
She was quick to point out that she feels that overall I was a wonderful parent and that this kind of scenario is very common among single parent households.
It just still feels like hell.
Another friend congratulated me on being brave enough to ask for and to stare down the truth, adding that she probably would never ask because it would be too hard to hear the answer.
And still I feel so sad.
Even though there is no way that I could have been perfect for my son, I really believe that he deserved perfection and not to be hurt by me in any way. But then I guess every child deserves that and none has it, as there are no perfect parents or people.
I still have work to do, and I began by asking God to forgive me. I'll write about this more. I know I have more to work on with Him to see how I can get my needs healthily met.
Another thing this lovely woman shared was that she was glad to see me moving on, and that it was good for me to do so. She added, he certainly is.
"And she said losing love
Is like a window in your heart,
Everybody sees you're blown apart,
Everybody sees the wind blow..." - Graceland, Paul Simon
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