Today my son and I had agreed to go to church together after I asked him earlier this week if he would like to go. Well, we didn't quite make it due to tardiness and getting lost. But we did have a lovely time eating out!
Before that, though, at one point my son had gotten really turned around while he was driving. At first I was trying to allow him to take the route he wanted to take, and assist him with that - my style of parenting. Give his opinion credence, and help him if he needs it. But when he "fails," then I usually get at least partially blamed, and this time was no different. He said he wanted to give up, then asked if I would just come find him and meet him where he was. I said I would. He sighed deeply with relief, and I left.
Driving toward him, it occurred to me that this seemed symbolic. Part of what I have done to contribute to the difficult situation we are in is to somehow give my son the impression that I valued his opinion more than mine, that he is wiser than I am. I believe this is a result of my asking him - basically - for advice when I was upset about various things. It was the wrong thing to do, and I am deeply ashamed of it. At the same time, the impression is inaccurate. I am a worthy guide for my son. It is terribly unfortunate for both of us that in my vulnerable moments at times I leaned on him too much, but overall I am strong and wise.
It seems that he is blind to the evidence that points toward this truth, even when he requests it and I follow through. I found him somehow, off of 290 at a random gas station. He had gotten the cross streets wrong in directing me, but at a certain point I knew I should pick up my phone and ask him what was around him. He was less than two blocks away. I found him by asking him what he could see around him.
Patty Griffin sings, "Sometimes you're out there on the highway and all of the signs got blown away. Sometimes you wonder if you're walking in the wrong direction...If you break down, I'll drive out and find you. If you forget my love, I'll try to remind you. I'll stay by you when it don't come easy."
I am a mom. I am not married. My son, seventeen and still in high school, has moved out. I raised him his whole life. I have experienced beautiful and loving support and understanding from many people. However, I have also experienced severe judgement from others. I would like to know if you are in my situation or if you have done research on this. I would like to tell my story. I would like your support. I would like to support you. That is what this blog is about.
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