Purpose

My purpose for writing this blog is to tell my story, to get support, and to support others who may be on a similar journey.

Recently one of my family members expressed a great deal of anger regarding some of the writings I posted. Although it is not my intention, I do understand that speaking out, especially when it involves others, can feel threatening to some people.

I believe that people are complex. No one is all good or all bad. Someone can do wonderful supportive things sometimes, and that same person can turn around when another issue arises and really act in a disappointing way. When that becomes the rule rather than the exception, I believe it is time to examine the value of that relationship. Also, the dynamics between family members vary from member to member, particularly when there is one history involved and a whole other set of circumstances for another interaction (with biological as compared to step-families, for instance).

I am certainly not a perfect parent. The only thing I did perfectly was to love my son, but I probably violated every item, at some point, that some would consider to be good parenting values/actions. I am not a perfect anything, as a matter of fact. It was never my intention to portray myself as such. I am pretty sure that simply writing a blog in which I pour out my guts about the fact that my son has left home automatically disqualifies me for Mother of the Year.


One thing I did try to teach my child was that he is and I am worthy of respect, and that people who act in disrespectful and harmful ways to either of us are to be confronted. If they can not or will not treat us well, that is unacceptable behavior. Boundaries will be set, regardless of who they are. It is my belief that the undermining of my authority and respect by some others has largely contributed to my son's disrespect toward me. But I was unwilling to keep him from having relationships with some of his family, anyway. I felt that it was his choice. I feel that I showed respect for them in this way and for him and his choices. What is sad to me is that, and it is evidenced in this blog, most people who seem to be able to understand and support me are not related to me. I do feel that my family and my son's family have dynamics that are harmful and that are opposed to speaking the truth.

This blog isn't for parents who were perfect. This blog is for parents who were very good parents and who are experiencing the pain of their child acting out in difficult, disrespectful ways. If you are one of those parents, then you know as well as I do that you spend hours - sometimes days - at a time questioning yourself. Since my son left, I have even spent days on end crying and believing that nothing really mattered anymore. I have also spent hours in therapy and highly encourage anyone experiencing this to do the same. Additionally, I have spiritual guides and mentors that I speak with regularly and discuss my thoughts and behaviors with. I am, with their help and guidance, doing what I have prayed about. It has taken me many hours of self-reflection to come to a place where I can usually believe that what I am doing is the right thing to do. My head knows it; my heart still aches. No one likes letting go.

"If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don't write, because our culture has no use for it."
— Anaïs Nin