Today I asked a question and thought I was ready to hear the answer. I asked a very wise person who knows and loves me and that I trust what she thought I might have done wrong in my parenting my son.
She calmly and gently let me know that she felt that I had leaned on him too much, treated him too much like an adult and a partner at times. she also felt that this had contributed some to his belief that he could be out there on his own now since he was already treated as if he were older than he was.
This realization feels as if a hole was blown through my heart.
I knew I wasn't perfect. But to actually hear what I did was almost crushing.
She was quick to point out that she feels that overall I was a wonderful parent and that this kind of scenario is very common among single parent households.
It just still feels like hell.
Another friend congratulated me on being brave enough to ask for and to stare down the truth, adding that she probably would never ask because it would be too hard to hear the answer.
And still I feel so sad.
Even though there is no way that I could have been perfect for my son, I really believe that he deserved perfection and not to be hurt by me in any way. But then I guess every child deserves that and none has it, as there are no perfect parents or people.
I still have work to do, and I began by asking God to forgive me. I'll write about this more. I know I have more to work on with Him to see how I can get my needs healthily met.
Another thing this lovely woman shared was that she was glad to see me moving on, and that it was good for me to do so. She added, he certainly is.
"And she said losing love
Is like a window in your heart,
Everybody sees you're blown apart,
Everybody sees the wind blow..." - Graceland, Paul Simon
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
For Writing Out Loud
I read a recent article on a GREAT site called blogher.com. It was titled Naked Blogging (author Maria - sorry, don't know the last name), and I encourage you to read it. the subject matter was about how much to expose in your blogging. This has been a very real issue for me as of late. I have since deleted, out of respect, some posts that in hindsight I felt may have revealed too much about others. Below is how I responded to the article:
recently exposed
kollette March 16, 2010 - 11:34am
I am new to blogher and to blogging, and therefore to blunder blogging. I started a blog to do many of the things Maria mentioned: gain support, give support, etc. The topic was dealing with my teenaged son, and more specifically how difficult this year has been. Note: right now I am definitely holding back. Although it was not my intent for any of my family to stumble upon my blog, some did. The fallout was hurtful to all. I also don't think most of my blog was "shooting from the hip," but at the same time my story involves other people and I have decided to try to stick to just revealing my own life - trying very hard not to disclose anything that is not really mine to share.
On the other hand, and this is very important to me, I still feel that erring on the side of revealing too much is better than not speaking out at all. I have people in my life whose goal is to keep secrets and have me do the same. The entire point of writing and publishing the truth is to speak it and share it , in my opinion.
Of course, perfection in the balancing act of - to continue the metaphor and up the ante - how much to shed in this poker game of blogging is unattainable and subjective, yet something I will try to continue to move toward. I am certain much of it will depend on how high the stakes are, how important I feel the subject is to reveal, and whether the other players are packing.
recently exposed
kollette March 16, 2010 - 11:34am
I am new to blogher and to blogging, and therefore to blunder blogging. I started a blog to do many of the things Maria mentioned: gain support, give support, etc. The topic was dealing with my teenaged son, and more specifically how difficult this year has been. Note: right now I am definitely holding back. Although it was not my intent for any of my family to stumble upon my blog, some did. The fallout was hurtful to all. I also don't think most of my blog was "shooting from the hip," but at the same time my story involves other people and I have decided to try to stick to just revealing my own life - trying very hard not to disclose anything that is not really mine to share.
On the other hand, and this is very important to me, I still feel that erring on the side of revealing too much is better than not speaking out at all. I have people in my life whose goal is to keep secrets and have me do the same. The entire point of writing and publishing the truth is to speak it and share it , in my opinion.
Of course, perfection in the balancing act of - to continue the metaphor and up the ante - how much to shed in this poker game of blogging is unattainable and subjective, yet something I will try to continue to move toward. I am certain much of it will depend on how high the stakes are, how important I feel the subject is to reveal, and whether the other players are packing.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Purpose
My purpose for writing this blog is to tell my story, to get support, and to support others who may be on a similar journey.
Recently one of my family members expressed a great deal of anger regarding some of the writings I posted. Although it is not my intention, I do understand that speaking out, especially when it involves others, can feel threatening to some people.
I believe that people are complex. No one is all good or all bad. Someone can do wonderful supportive things sometimes, and that same person can turn around when another issue arises and really act in a disappointing way. When that becomes the rule rather than the exception, I believe it is time to examine the value of that relationship. Also, the dynamics between family members vary from member to member, particularly when there is one history involved and a whole other set of circumstances for another interaction (with biological as compared to step-families, for instance).
I am certainly not a perfect parent. The only thing I did perfectly was to love my son, but I probably violated every item, at some point, that some would consider to be good parenting values/actions. I am not a perfect anything, as a matter of fact. It was never my intention to portray myself as such. I am pretty sure that simply writing a blog in which I pour out my guts about the fact that my son has left home automatically disqualifies me for Mother of the Year.
One thing I did try to teach my child was that he is and I am worthy of respect, and that people who act in disrespectful and harmful ways to either of us are to be confronted. If they can not or will not treat us well, that is unacceptable behavior. Boundaries will be set, regardless of who they are. It is my belief that the undermining of my authority and respect by some others has largely contributed to my son's disrespect toward me. But I was unwilling to keep him from having relationships with some of his family, anyway. I felt that it was his choice. I feel that I showed respect for them in this way and for him and his choices. What is sad to me is that, and it is evidenced in this blog, most people who seem to be able to understand and support me are not related to me. I do feel that my family and my son's family have dynamics that are harmful and that are opposed to speaking the truth.
This blog isn't for parents who were perfect. This blog is for parents who were very good parents and who are experiencing the pain of their child acting out in difficult, disrespectful ways. If you are one of those parents, then you know as well as I do that you spend hours - sometimes days - at a time questioning yourself. Since my son left, I have even spent days on end crying and believing that nothing really mattered anymore. I have also spent hours in therapy and highly encourage anyone experiencing this to do the same. Additionally, I have spiritual guides and mentors that I speak with regularly and discuss my thoughts and behaviors with. I am, with their help and guidance, doing what I have prayed about. It has taken me many hours of self-reflection to come to a place where I can usually believe that what I am doing is the right thing to do. My head knows it; my heart still aches. No one likes letting go.
"If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don't write, because our culture has no use for it."
— Anaïs Nin
Recently one of my family members expressed a great deal of anger regarding some of the writings I posted. Although it is not my intention, I do understand that speaking out, especially when it involves others, can feel threatening to some people.
I believe that people are complex. No one is all good or all bad. Someone can do wonderful supportive things sometimes, and that same person can turn around when another issue arises and really act in a disappointing way. When that becomes the rule rather than the exception, I believe it is time to examine the value of that relationship. Also, the dynamics between family members vary from member to member, particularly when there is one history involved and a whole other set of circumstances for another interaction (with biological as compared to step-families, for instance).
I am certainly not a perfect parent. The only thing I did perfectly was to love my son, but I probably violated every item, at some point, that some would consider to be good parenting values/actions. I am not a perfect anything, as a matter of fact. It was never my intention to portray myself as such. I am pretty sure that simply writing a blog in which I pour out my guts about the fact that my son has left home automatically disqualifies me for Mother of the Year.
One thing I did try to teach my child was that he is and I am worthy of respect, and that people who act in disrespectful and harmful ways to either of us are to be confronted. If they can not or will not treat us well, that is unacceptable behavior. Boundaries will be set, regardless of who they are. It is my belief that the undermining of my authority and respect by some others has largely contributed to my son's disrespect toward me. But I was unwilling to keep him from having relationships with some of his family, anyway. I felt that it was his choice. I feel that I showed respect for them in this way and for him and his choices. What is sad to me is that, and it is evidenced in this blog, most people who seem to be able to understand and support me are not related to me. I do feel that my family and my son's family have dynamics that are harmful and that are opposed to speaking the truth.
This blog isn't for parents who were perfect. This blog is for parents who were very good parents and who are experiencing the pain of their child acting out in difficult, disrespectful ways. If you are one of those parents, then you know as well as I do that you spend hours - sometimes days - at a time questioning yourself. Since my son left, I have even spent days on end crying and believing that nothing really mattered anymore. I have also spent hours in therapy and highly encourage anyone experiencing this to do the same. Additionally, I have spiritual guides and mentors that I speak with regularly and discuss my thoughts and behaviors with. I am, with their help and guidance, doing what I have prayed about. It has taken me many hours of self-reflection to come to a place where I can usually believe that what I am doing is the right thing to do. My head knows it; my heart still aches. No one likes letting go.
"If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don't write, because our culture has no use for it."
— Anaïs Nin
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
He has to miss it, right?
A friend's blog post has just inspired me. Since the Emancipation Declaration, I have felt lost. I wasn't sure where the lines or the room would be for us to be in each others' lives.
Some suggested that there was no room. But even that night, in between the therapy session and the serious discussion, there was chatter about what his friends said that day that was funny. As we waited for the waiter to bring more chips and salsa, I learned about the new kid that is hanging out with the old crowd and how he's a really good athlete. I heard about who is getting buff, and what his girlfriend did the other day. So, I know there is part of him that just wants me to know and love him. There is absolutely part of me that wants the same.
Even up to the day he left, I knew what the signal was. He never said, "Mom, I need to talk." He didn't make an announcement at the dinner table, or come in the door and ask if I had some time.
I suppose the way he handled it might have been left over from when I used to make time for him every night; I sang him to sleep for years. I used to sing "Amazing Grace" and almost gave up and moved on to another song because I thought he wasn't listening. He never sang it with me, or on his own during the day. But one eight year old night when I was about to start singing, he asked, "Mom, what's a 'branch like me?'" He had confused the lyrics "wretch like me!" He was listening!
What he did the last couple of years was wait until I was ready to go to bed and then come and lay on top of my covers with me, and just start talking. Sometimes he would lay on his tummy and pull up his shirt a little, too, meaning I should rub his back while he talked. My 5'11" little boy. Mostly I just listened. Sometimes I shared some insight. Always I was there. And so was he.
I will miss that indefinitely.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Emancipation
Last week my son asked me for an emancipation. This is basically - to my thinking - a divorce from me as a parent.
He has mentioned it before, and it has always felt hurtful. But this week he added some more information: his grandfather on his father's side has actually given my son his car back. I took it away some months ago upon a judge's recommendation after my son obtained a 91 mph speeding ticket and a wreck. The grandfather purchased the car, and when I took it, demanded it back and promised not to give it to Zachary. I also revoked his license, which he - that night - claimed to have somehow renewed.
I don't even care to chase down the law, or the reasons, or any of it any more. I feel done with the lies, the undermining, and the manipulation.
I am ready. Emotional, but ready.
By the way, emancipation also means freedom. It will not be a one way street.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
The way it was
Lately I've been missing my son so much. I see little boys - little being ten to twelve or so - who look the way my son used to: "cool," stylish clothes and long, brown hair. I miss how we were during that time of his life.
This week has been so intense. Parts are good: his father and I have communicated and are on the same page with what is best for our son for the first time in six months, maybe longer.
The way my son left home was heartbreaking for me. I had set up a contract for him, which he violated multiple times - including driving 91 miles per hour, getting a ticket for that which he did not tell me about, coming home at 4:00 a.m., leaving the house at 3:00 a.m., and hiding his car from me in a neighboring parking lot. There's more, but I'll spare you, except to say that that was not even the worst of it for me. The very worst involved two other aspects: 1) his lack of willingness to accept responsibility for any of it, and 2) his utter disrespect in the way he spoke to me directly.
I told him that I was moving to Austin. I decided to do this for a number if reasons, not the least of which was to take him out of his current environment. I told him he had to follow my rules in order to come with me. I told him that if he did not wish to do that, then he could live with his grandfather, my father, who had agreed to that. My son told me that he was neither going to move to Austin with me nor was he going to live with his grandfather. I told him that I did not approve and that he was basically on his own if he chose anything besides those two options. I thought he was planning to go to his father's, which I wasn't going ot fight any more than that. It was at that time that he begain to escalate and get angry, admonmishing my parenting. I told him that he needed to leave right away then. I said I would give him a ride somehwere but that he could not stay in my home and treat me that way. He insisted that I give him his car keys and the child support money. I refused. He found his car keys (in my room) and took his car. He got his father on the phone and gave his side of the story, and his father spoke to me saying, "So, you are just going to kick him out with no way to fend for himself?"
To be continued...
This week has been so intense. Parts are good: his father and I have communicated and are on the same page with what is best for our son for the first time in six months, maybe longer.
The way my son left home was heartbreaking for me. I had set up a contract for him, which he violated multiple times - including driving 91 miles per hour, getting a ticket for that which he did not tell me about, coming home at 4:00 a.m., leaving the house at 3:00 a.m., and hiding his car from me in a neighboring parking lot. There's more, but I'll spare you, except to say that that was not even the worst of it for me. The very worst involved two other aspects: 1) his lack of willingness to accept responsibility for any of it, and 2) his utter disrespect in the way he spoke to me directly.
I told him that I was moving to Austin. I decided to do this for a number if reasons, not the least of which was to take him out of his current environment. I told him he had to follow my rules in order to come with me. I told him that if he did not wish to do that, then he could live with his grandfather, my father, who had agreed to that. My son told me that he was neither going to move to Austin with me nor was he going to live with his grandfather. I told him that I did not approve and that he was basically on his own if he chose anything besides those two options. I thought he was planning to go to his father's, which I wasn't going ot fight any more than that. It was at that time that he begain to escalate and get angry, admonmishing my parenting. I told him that he needed to leave right away then. I said I would give him a ride somehwere but that he could not stay in my home and treat me that way. He insisted that I give him his car keys and the child support money. I refused. He found his car keys (in my room) and took his car. He got his father on the phone and gave his side of the story, and his father spoke to me saying, "So, you are just going to kick him out with no way to fend for himself?"
To be continued...
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