He has to miss it, right?

A friend's blog post has just inspired me. Since the Emancipation Declaration, I have felt lost. I wasn't sure where the lines or the room would be for us to be in each others' lives.

Some suggested that there was no room. But even that night, in between the therapy session and the serious discussion, there was chatter about what his friends said that day that was funny. As we waited for the waiter to bring more chips and salsa, I learned about the new kid that is hanging out with the old crowd and how he's a really good athlete. I heard about who is getting buff, and what his girlfriend did the other day. So, I know there is part of him that just wants me to know and love him. There is absolutely part of me that wants the same.

Even up to the day he left, I knew what the signal was. He never said, "Mom, I need to talk." He didn't make an announcement at the dinner table, or come in the door and ask if I had some time.

I suppose the way he handled it might have been left over from when I used to make time for him every night; I sang him to sleep for years. I used to sing "Amazing Grace" and almost gave up and moved on to another song because I thought he wasn't listening. He never sang it with me, or on his own during the day. But one eight year old night when I was about to start singing, he asked, "Mom, what's a 'branch like me?'" He had confused the lyrics "wretch like me!" He was listening!

What he did the last couple of years was wait until I was ready to go to bed and then come and lay on top of my covers with me, and just start talking. Sometimes he would lay on his tummy and pull up his shirt a little, too, meaning I should rub his back while he talked. My 5'11" little boy. Mostly I just listened. Sometimes I shared some insight. Always I was there. And so was he.

I will miss that indefinitely.

Emancipation

Last week my son asked me for an emancipation. This is basically - to my thinking - a divorce from me as a parent.

He has mentioned it before, and it has always felt hurtful. But this week he added some more information: his grandfather on his father's side has actually given my son his car back. I took it away some months ago upon a judge's recommendation after my son obtained a 91 mph speeding ticket and a wreck. The grandfather purchased the car, and when I took it, demanded it back and promised not to give it to Zachary. I also revoked his license, which he - that night - claimed to have somehow renewed.

I don't even care to chase down the law, or the reasons, or any of it any more. I feel done with the lies, the undermining, and the manipulation.

I am ready. Emotional, but ready.

By the way, emancipation also means freedom. It will not be a one way street.

The way it was

Lately I've been missing my son so much. I see little boys - little being ten to twelve or so - who look the way my son used to: "cool," stylish clothes and long, brown hair. I miss how we were during that time of his life.

This week has been so intense. Parts are good: his father and I have communicated and are on the same page with what is best for our son for the first time in six months, maybe longer.

The way my son left home was heartbreaking for me. I had set up a contract for him, which he violated multiple times - including driving 91 miles per hour, getting a ticket for that which he did not tell me about, coming home at 4:00 a.m., leaving the house at 3:00 a.m., and hiding his car from me in a neighboring parking lot. There's more, but I'll spare you, except to say that that was not even the worst of it for me. The very worst involved two other aspects: 1) his lack of willingness to accept responsibility for any of it, and 2) his utter disrespect in the way he spoke to me directly.

I told him that I was moving to Austin. I decided to do this for a number if reasons, not the least of which was to take him out of his current environment. I told him he had to follow my rules in order to come with me. I told him that if he did not wish to do that, then he could live with his grandfather, my father, who had agreed to that. My son told me that he was neither going to move to Austin with me nor was he going to live with his grandfather. I told him that I did not approve and that he was basically on his own if he chose anything besides those two options. I thought he was planning to go to his father's, which I wasn't going ot fight any more than that. It was at that time that he begain to escalate and get angry, admonmishing my parenting. I told him that he needed to leave right away then. I said I would give him a ride somehwere but that he could not stay in my home and treat me that way. He insisted that I give him his car keys and the child support money. I refused. He found his car keys (in my room) and took his car. He got his father on the phone and gave his side of the story, and his father spoke to me saying, "So, you are just going to kick him out with no way to fend for himself?"

To be continued...

Truancy

Today I got a phone call from my son who handed the phone over immediately to the truancy officer. I am informed that if my son misses one more class (unexcused) that he will have charges filed against him.

At first I am glad, because I want my son to attend school. I think if there are consequences and accountability that he will do it. And then it starts to sink in and hit me, especially when the officer asks me why my son has been absent: they are going to hold me responsible for this.

As if I haven't tried everything I could think of to get my son to behave and mind me and school authority! I took his car when he skipped class and sped with it, I took his license, I set up contracts, went to counseling, grounded him, rewarded him, ordered him to live with his grandfather, and more! This is a 17 year old young man who is almost six feet tall. He has literally told me that he would do as he pleased because I could not physically stop him.

The law can be such a help sometimes and other times can be so backward.

This is hard

I gotta say, I am feeling a bit discouraged. I started this blog because I couldn't find a forum for this issue. Now I don't seem to have many readers, either. I think I am mostly the only reader, actually. :) It would be easy to give up.

At the same time, I think this problem is quite pervasive. I can think of 15 families off the top of my head that have dealt with something similar. I really think the single moms out there going through a son rebelling to the point of leaving home need support. I know I do.

This past week, there was a breakthrough. For almomst six months now my ex-husband has really felt that I mistreated our son by insisting that in order to live in my home he follow my rules. Well, the fact that my son now has over 40 unexcused absences has finally gotten my ex angry. He let me know this. That is the most unity we have had since this time came about. My ex told me that the atrocious attendance record broke some kind of deal that he and my son had. I feel that my ex is finally tasting what I have been living.

I am so sad. I love my son. I don't understand why he feels the need to push this hard.

Gifted

My son was tested and labeled "gifted and talented" before he entered kindergarten. He could identify the alphabet at 2, sit and draw for hours, and by 5 had some really nice critical thinking skills. He has won many writing contests in school. He is currently, as a junior, taking advanced physics and calculus. The kid is bright and good at school. So was/am I, frankly. I tried to instill the value of education. It was always an expectation that schoolwork was not only done but done well. I am a teacher, and my home was a place where learning could and would happen.

Somewhere in his sophomore year random absences started popping up. Then, after he got his license, there were many more. One day I caught him out driving at his lunch time with his girlfriend. He told me, with a completely straight face, that he was allowed to leave for lunch. I called his school counselor (who I knew personally) right away. The counselor said that my son knew absolutely that this was not allowed, and not only that but that he had to have some way of getting out of the parking lot that was false as there was a security guard. The counselor explained that this type of behavior was not something he usually saw at that age - the kids usually waited for that blatant disregard until late in their junior year.

This was just one of the ways in which I saw my boy slipping away.

He has since confided to me that he parked in the teacher's parking lot because no one checked on you if you were leaving; they assumed you were a teacher. So, he came and went as he pleased. He was very proud of himself for being so "ingenious."

I would really like to invite anyone who feels that they can relate to what I am saying to respond.

Waiting for My Child

I got surprised Thursday night with tickets to see Patty Griffin. She played a beautiful song that will appear on her upcoming album called "Waiting for My Child." In tears, I was thinking about the parts I identified with, and also how I differed. I am waiting for my child to come home. And yet, I am in a place where I feel strong; strong(ly) about the behaviors I will and will not accept, strong(ly) about my love for my son, strong(ly) about my own serenity, and strong as a woman and a mother. I want my child to come home spiritually and behaviorally as much, if not more, than I want him to come home physically. Some may say I have abandoned him in ways, yet I feel that I am continuing to parent him. I am teaching him how to treat me, himself, others. I am here, waiting.