Today I asked a question and thought I was ready to hear the answer. I asked a very wise person who knows and loves me and that I trust what she thought I might have done wrong in my parenting my son.
She calmly and gently let me know that she felt that I had leaned on him too much, treated him too much like an adult and a partner at times. she also felt that this had contributed some to his belief that he could be out there on his own now since he was already treated as if he were older than he was.
This realization feels as if a hole was blown through my heart.
I knew I wasn't perfect. But to actually hear what I did was almost crushing.
She was quick to point out that she feels that overall I was a wonderful parent and that this kind of scenario is very common among single parent households.
It just still feels like hell.
Another friend congratulated me on being brave enough to ask for and to stare down the truth, adding that she probably would never ask because it would be too hard to hear the answer.
And still I feel so sad.
Even though there is no way that I could have been perfect for my son, I really believe that he deserved perfection and not to be hurt by me in any way. But then I guess every child deserves that and none has it, as there are no perfect parents or people.
I still have work to do, and I began by asking God to forgive me. I'll write about this more. I know I have more to work on with Him to see how I can get my needs healthily met.
Another thing this lovely woman shared was that she was glad to see me moving on, and that it was good for me to do so. She added, he certainly is.
"And she said losing love
Is like a window in your heart,
Everybody sees you're blown apart,
Everybody sees the wind blow..." - Graceland, Paul Simon
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
For Writing Out Loud
I read a recent article on a GREAT site called blogher.com. It was titled Naked Blogging (author Maria - sorry, don't know the last name), and I encourage you to read it. the subject matter was about how much to expose in your blogging. This has been a very real issue for me as of late. I have since deleted, out of respect, some posts that in hindsight I felt may have revealed too much about others. Below is how I responded to the article:
recently exposed
kollette March 16, 2010 - 11:34am
I am new to blogher and to blogging, and therefore to blunder blogging. I started a blog to do many of the things Maria mentioned: gain support, give support, etc. The topic was dealing with my teenaged son, and more specifically how difficult this year has been. Note: right now I am definitely holding back. Although it was not my intent for any of my family to stumble upon my blog, some did. The fallout was hurtful to all. I also don't think most of my blog was "shooting from the hip," but at the same time my story involves other people and I have decided to try to stick to just revealing my own life - trying very hard not to disclose anything that is not really mine to share.
On the other hand, and this is very important to me, I still feel that erring on the side of revealing too much is better than not speaking out at all. I have people in my life whose goal is to keep secrets and have me do the same. The entire point of writing and publishing the truth is to speak it and share it , in my opinion.
Of course, perfection in the balancing act of - to continue the metaphor and up the ante - how much to shed in this poker game of blogging is unattainable and subjective, yet something I will try to continue to move toward. I am certain much of it will depend on how high the stakes are, how important I feel the subject is to reveal, and whether the other players are packing.
recently exposed
kollette March 16, 2010 - 11:34am
I am new to blogher and to blogging, and therefore to blunder blogging. I started a blog to do many of the things Maria mentioned: gain support, give support, etc. The topic was dealing with my teenaged son, and more specifically how difficult this year has been. Note: right now I am definitely holding back. Although it was not my intent for any of my family to stumble upon my blog, some did. The fallout was hurtful to all. I also don't think most of my blog was "shooting from the hip," but at the same time my story involves other people and I have decided to try to stick to just revealing my own life - trying very hard not to disclose anything that is not really mine to share.
On the other hand, and this is very important to me, I still feel that erring on the side of revealing too much is better than not speaking out at all. I have people in my life whose goal is to keep secrets and have me do the same. The entire point of writing and publishing the truth is to speak it and share it , in my opinion.
Of course, perfection in the balancing act of - to continue the metaphor and up the ante - how much to shed in this poker game of blogging is unattainable and subjective, yet something I will try to continue to move toward. I am certain much of it will depend on how high the stakes are, how important I feel the subject is to reveal, and whether the other players are packing.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Purpose
My purpose for writing this blog is to tell my story, to get support, and to support others who may be on a similar journey.
Recently one of my family members expressed a great deal of anger regarding some of the writings I posted. Although it is not my intention, I do understand that speaking out, especially when it involves others, can feel threatening to some people.
I believe that people are complex. No one is all good or all bad. Someone can do wonderful supportive things sometimes, and that same person can turn around when another issue arises and really act in a disappointing way. When that becomes the rule rather than the exception, I believe it is time to examine the value of that relationship. Also, the dynamics between family members vary from member to member, particularly when there is one history involved and a whole other set of circumstances for another interaction (with biological as compared to step-families, for instance).
I am certainly not a perfect parent. The only thing I did perfectly was to love my son, but I probably violated every item, at some point, that some would consider to be good parenting values/actions. I am not a perfect anything, as a matter of fact. It was never my intention to portray myself as such. I am pretty sure that simply writing a blog in which I pour out my guts about the fact that my son has left home automatically disqualifies me for Mother of the Year.
One thing I did try to teach my child was that he is and I am worthy of respect, and that people who act in disrespectful and harmful ways to either of us are to be confronted. If they can not or will not treat us well, that is unacceptable behavior. Boundaries will be set, regardless of who they are. It is my belief that the undermining of my authority and respect by some others has largely contributed to my son's disrespect toward me. But I was unwilling to keep him from having relationships with some of his family, anyway. I felt that it was his choice. I feel that I showed respect for them in this way and for him and his choices. What is sad to me is that, and it is evidenced in this blog, most people who seem to be able to understand and support me are not related to me. I do feel that my family and my son's family have dynamics that are harmful and that are opposed to speaking the truth.
This blog isn't for parents who were perfect. This blog is for parents who were very good parents and who are experiencing the pain of their child acting out in difficult, disrespectful ways. If you are one of those parents, then you know as well as I do that you spend hours - sometimes days - at a time questioning yourself. Since my son left, I have even spent days on end crying and believing that nothing really mattered anymore. I have also spent hours in therapy and highly encourage anyone experiencing this to do the same. Additionally, I have spiritual guides and mentors that I speak with regularly and discuss my thoughts and behaviors with. I am, with their help and guidance, doing what I have prayed about. It has taken me many hours of self-reflection to come to a place where I can usually believe that what I am doing is the right thing to do. My head knows it; my heart still aches. No one likes letting go.
"If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don't write, because our culture has no use for it."
— Anaïs Nin
Recently one of my family members expressed a great deal of anger regarding some of the writings I posted. Although it is not my intention, I do understand that speaking out, especially when it involves others, can feel threatening to some people.
I believe that people are complex. No one is all good or all bad. Someone can do wonderful supportive things sometimes, and that same person can turn around when another issue arises and really act in a disappointing way. When that becomes the rule rather than the exception, I believe it is time to examine the value of that relationship. Also, the dynamics between family members vary from member to member, particularly when there is one history involved and a whole other set of circumstances for another interaction (with biological as compared to step-families, for instance).
I am certainly not a perfect parent. The only thing I did perfectly was to love my son, but I probably violated every item, at some point, that some would consider to be good parenting values/actions. I am not a perfect anything, as a matter of fact. It was never my intention to portray myself as such. I am pretty sure that simply writing a blog in which I pour out my guts about the fact that my son has left home automatically disqualifies me for Mother of the Year.
One thing I did try to teach my child was that he is and I am worthy of respect, and that people who act in disrespectful and harmful ways to either of us are to be confronted. If they can not or will not treat us well, that is unacceptable behavior. Boundaries will be set, regardless of who they are. It is my belief that the undermining of my authority and respect by some others has largely contributed to my son's disrespect toward me. But I was unwilling to keep him from having relationships with some of his family, anyway. I felt that it was his choice. I feel that I showed respect for them in this way and for him and his choices. What is sad to me is that, and it is evidenced in this blog, most people who seem to be able to understand and support me are not related to me. I do feel that my family and my son's family have dynamics that are harmful and that are opposed to speaking the truth.
This blog isn't for parents who were perfect. This blog is for parents who were very good parents and who are experiencing the pain of their child acting out in difficult, disrespectful ways. If you are one of those parents, then you know as well as I do that you spend hours - sometimes days - at a time questioning yourself. Since my son left, I have even spent days on end crying and believing that nothing really mattered anymore. I have also spent hours in therapy and highly encourage anyone experiencing this to do the same. Additionally, I have spiritual guides and mentors that I speak with regularly and discuss my thoughts and behaviors with. I am, with their help and guidance, doing what I have prayed about. It has taken me many hours of self-reflection to come to a place where I can usually believe that what I am doing is the right thing to do. My head knows it; my heart still aches. No one likes letting go.
"If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don't write, because our culture has no use for it."
— Anaïs Nin
Thursday, March 4, 2010
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